Developing Distance
by Lied89
Summary: It's not easy to fight, but is overcoming it? About the distance that may develop after a fight and not letting it happen.
1. Jenny - 1

_Author's Note:_

_This was kind of a writing exercise. First creating a scene with as little as possible, being able to imagine a wide rainbow of things that could have happened, and then filling in more and more details and information with every further scene. _

_I hope you enjoy, I'd love to hear from you, and thank you to my lovely test-readers for always being so supportive :)_

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******Developing Distance**

Scene 1

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My throat burns from crying, my cheeks dampened from the tears.

I lie on my bed, staring through the dark light of my room up to the ceiling.

"_Jenny, I don't understand you!"_

I can still hear the door slamming shut as Emma rushed out, and I close my eyes as the memory haunts me.

... I don't understand myself.

Another tear makes it's way down my cheek as I lay there, shaking my head.


	2. Emma - 2

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******Developing Distance**

Scene 2

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I run through the night, the coldness of the winter seeping into my body.

Of course I had to forget my gloves and scarf at Jenny's...

My teeth chatter and I refuse to let go of the anger that's driving me on and gives me some warmth.

I do understand her. Sometimes. Most of the time. But still it's driving me mad to have her not include me in every part of her life, every thought in her head, because I am, and I would. I would lay everything open to her in one second if she asked me to. I always do, but she's closing herself off time and again, and I hate it. I hate there to be something between us, making me feel like we're not a hundred percent connected – like I don't know her.

I arrive at the subway station and slow down my steps when I'm at the top of the off-turned escalators, looking down the stairs, and where they would take me – away. Home into my own lonely bed.

It's suddenly colder than before.

My arms rise automatically, as my legs feel like they become frozen to the floor, incapable of walking on, and I move my red, icy hands in front of my mouth, blowing warmth into them as I start to ponder, looking down into the underground passageway.

- Away into the distance. To my parents and siblings, asking what is wrong, why I'm home...

I look up when a wet drop touches my nose. The street lamps shine bright, white light down on me, like the color of the snow that is hidden in the darkness on the streets around me. The sky is dark and I can see a few tiny snowflakes floating through the air and through the light of the lamps.

I would have to walk another ten minutes to get home, once being out of the subway...

My eyes sway back into the direction of the stairs leading down and I become more and more aware of the heaviness that I'm feeling in my gut by the thought of taking them and leaving things with Jenny behind.

I swallow.

God damn it, who am I kidding?

I let my head drop and arms fall and stuff my hands back into the pockets of my jacket as I turn into the direction that I just came from, choosing the easy and right way, and letting the way home – the subway and the dreading distance that would develop between Jenny and I, behind me.

She's mourning, I tell myself once again, and sigh. She's grieving.

She's dealing with all kinds of things that are just overwhelming her. I know that. I know that she's not the same anymore. She has been through a traumatic event, no matter how hard she denies it and how far she has come. She has stuff to work through, stuff she isn't always able to share.

I stomp back through the snow, following the footprints I left behind before, not angry at her anymore, but angry at myself.

I should know that!


	3. Jenny - 3

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******Developing Distance**

Scene 3

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I hear steps coming up the stairs swiftly, not only the first flight, but the second, too, after I heard the front door falling shut only moments before, and I quickly reach to turn off the lamp, preventing the light to peak through under the door and into the hallway. But the steps are still coming closer, and when I hear them stop in front of my door I roll myself into my blanket, burying my face into the pillows in order for him not to see.

My cheeks feel clammy, and if right now there was a whole, I could go to, to die in, I would. I'm the biggest loser in this world, chasing away her girlfriend, and he doesn't need to see that.

The door opens and I hold my breath and close my eyes. I can feel my pulse anxiously pumping through my veins when the door keeps being open and the night lamp turns on - it's orange light illuminating the room gently from the floor, chasing away the darkness, and I'm close to choking when he does that. The fact that he knows is just...

"Ben,..." I say, meaning to sound dismissive, meaning to tell him that he should leave me alone, but my mouth opens, my eyes close and the words just won't come forward.

Eventually he shouldn't leave me. No one should. And I feel the need for him to just sit down behind me come up. For him to tell me that everything will be better - like he always does. For him to make a stupid joke, to hug me, to ruffle me up and decide to make cacao for a late night movie-marathon. Something - just anything like that, to make me forget. Forget about that empty whole that Emma left behind inside my chest, even though I know that it was all my fault to begin with. Why couldn't I just open my mouth and express what I actually meant?

"Not Ben," says a voice behind me and my eyes fly open.

I turn around with a start, my eyes colliding with hazel ones.

"Emma!"I stare at her, lying on my side, pushed up on one hand, my mouth hanging open in disbelieve. How could she be standing there after all the crap I said, and how I made her feel? "What... - ?"

"Stefan just came home. He let me in," she says casually, explanatory and rubs the back of her hand against her nose, only now making me notice her rosy cheeks, red nose and winter jacket.

She really left and came back...?

"Is there still a place in your bed?" she asks gently, ruffles through her blonde hair like she's meaning to shake some left snow-flakes out of it, and steps closer. "It's cold outside."

"Yes!" I answer without hesitation, still flabbergasted that she's back and being about to jump out of my bed of relief and excitement because of it. "Yes, please, come and..." I throw back the blanket and hurriedly pat the space beside me clean, even if it's not necessary, while Emma closes the door behind herself and sheds her jacket and sweater, before climbing into bed beside me at the space I made her.

I continue to stare disbelieving at her, while she just looks at me warmly, completely changed from the way she had frustratedly yelled at me before.

Finally she reaches her hand out to touch and caress my cheek and I find myself holding my breath in anticipation.

"Fuck, you're cold!" I say, shrinking back when her fingers are like ice against the hot, salty skin of my face, and I did not fully expect there to be an actual touch.

"Sorry," Emma says and pulls her hand slightly back, only to reach out again a second later, as if she just had to.

Her cold fingers graze my face, and I close my eyes, staying still this time, enjoying her touch and becoming pretty sure that she is actually real, since it would be simply impossible to imagine all the nuances of her touch so vividly.

"You've been crying," Emma states in slight wonder, her fingers pausing her travel on my cheek.

I open my eyes again and look at her funny.

"Am I not aloud to cry when I had a fight with my girlfriend?" I ask, raising one eyebrow in question.

After all it was her, who always encouraged me to cry when it was about them...

A smile tucks at Emma's lips. She bites them and nods understandingly, before letting her hand drop from my face.

"I'm sorry – about earlier," she says, scooting closer and reaches for my hand – the coldness of her clothes and body making me shudder, but also that much more awake and aware.

"Sometimes I forget that... - " Emma sighs, closes her eyes and searches for appropriate words, "I just wish...- " As she struggles and is about to fail, I squeeze her hand, understanding her anyway.

"Me, too," I say soothingly. "I wish everything was like before - with us – careless,... " I halt, when I feel my throat constrict, but I will myself to finally say something this time and push through.

"But there are, - it feels like walls I run against, and every time there's something new, it's just... - I space out, I block, because...I just don't know how to cope, what's happening and it's scary and... - "

Tears start to well up in my eyes and my voice gets thin and shaky.

"...and I can't talk, I can't talk, because... - it feels like it will eat me alive!"

I sob, feeling my cheeks get wet and hot again, but I won't let myself stop now, so that I look through tear-streaked eyes straight at her.

"I love you, Emma! I do. But sometimes, it's just all too much...!"

Through my blurry vision, I can see that Emma is quietly crying, too, controlling herself not to make a sound in order to not disturb me, and when she notices me waiting for some kind of response, she wordlessly picks up my hand and kisses it, making me choke as my heart contracts fuzzily, glad to be safe, as the experience of her cold nose and warm lips and tears against my hand mix pleasantly. I never want to let her go, and so I move closer, pushing my head against her shoulder, while I close my eyes and continue, whimpering, "I don't understand myself when I'm harsh and cold and mean to you. It... - it freaks me out! I don't want to be like that, but I can't help it - and...and I hate it!"

Emma's arms close tightly around me - safe and slowly not cold from the outside anymore, while hot tears keep traveling down my cheeks and snot starts to annoyingly block my nose, making me panting for air as my throat burns from that uncontrollable boiling feeling in my chest.

"Shh, it's okay," Emma whispers into my hair and I can feel her body shake from slight laughter, while she moves her head against mine. "Now you're acting like you're treating me like dirt every day."

"But I am," I say, convinced at the moment.

All the times I feel that anger and hate pile up inside my chest, and let it out on her - more or less knowingly...

"Such nonsense!" Emma states, and pushes against my shoulder to scold me. "It's Christmas coming up and you're not in the mood. I get it. It's your first Christmas without them - it's scary."

Emma pushes against my shoulder once again, this time more gently to make me move back in order for her to be able to look at me.

Her eyes shine warmly at me and start to make me doubt myself.

Eventually I wasn't treating her that badly, because if I was she would never be looking at me like that now, would she?

I sniff my nose and feel my chest slightly lighten.

"I'm sorry that I kept bringing it up the last few days and weeks, so that you felt...what? - Cornered? Trapped?" Emma asks and cocks her head to the side. "So that you finally lashed out on me today, but I just... - I would have liked to make it special, but if that's not what you want, then that's okay, too, got it?"

I sigh and close my eyes - It sounded so easy. I let myself roll onto my back, looking up and know that it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't have to struggle that much with something as stupid as this. Emma deserved better. "I don't know what I want, ..." I say wearily, knowing that that was the problem. If I just knew, I could work on that...Emma could work on that.

"So then we figure it out," Emma smiles in offer and solution.

"Yes,..." I say faintly, finding it rude to disagree, but also daring myself to at least try. Some day I had to allow myself to try, to enjoy and explore. Looking to the side at her, I let myself be infected by her continuous, uplifting smile and start to feel myself eventually actually looking forward to it. "Yes, okay." Emma just had that ability.

"It will be nice. Promise," Emma says with a beam of light, suddenly shining in her green-brownish eyes, and she takes me in her arms again. "Don't worry."

I close my eyes and breath.

I don't. Not now, when her warmth surrounds me.

"I'm glad you came back," I say, snuggling myself into her, breathing her soothing smell in, loving the soft feeling of her body against mine, and feel myself be reassured when she breathes, "I was never gone."


End file.
